The past few months have been very interesting…so I wanted to share it here…. last Saturday I went to a workshop which aimed to help you look at your life and heal your life.
It threw me how much of it I could relate too, it allowed me to realise what I was seeking out of life and that I could finally become a whole person one day and be the person I aspire to be.
It forced me to look at the issues in my life and confront them, so much so that I decided to confront a negative issue I was having with someone direct, something I never ever do… I hate confrontation but I went straight to them albeit via writing and told them how I felt.
In former year’s id have gone as far as to say I would run away from confrontation, make an excuse not to confront something and just move onto another disaster with the issues still lingering…I’d make friends with so many people not really knowing them just to be liked, I was super friendly whether they were good or bad my judgement of the people I let into my life was terrible! I would hero worship people around me and feel unworthy but ‘lucky’ that they were my friend. I’d base my self esteem on how many friends I had and their approval and if ever i did not have their approval, it would leave me questioning myself and riddled with anxiety
I hated confrontation because most of my childhood was spent being confrontational, fighting, arguing, feeling on edge, and I think by the time Id got to school, being a bullied overweight kid, I just wanted to be liked I just wanted to fit in…So I went with the flow I went with whatever, didn’t really have an opinion or ever really upheld one, I was too scared of being disliked for having an opinion. I my mind, saying what I really felt to someone else would cause offence with or without tact and I’d often feel guilt for it. So instead I would deal with it by… not dealing with it I guess and this became my biggest weakness in my life I was a panic stricken paranoid, depressed and lost people pleaser.
I’m ashamed to say my backbone wasn’t my strongest point, this carried on into my adult life id say up to only 6 months ago… I felt trapped by my need to not offend, to be liked and to please and couldn’t find it in me to change.
The change came when I confronted me, I’d got to a point where I was sick of where the old me had gotten me, I didn’t enjoy life being me anymore if this was what life had to offer I wanted out, to the point of suicide…
After being diagnosed with Depression, panic and anxiety in 2012, is when I confronted me and took steps towards changing that. Since then I’ve had so many realisations about how I’d dealt with things in the past and how I’d have sorted them out better now, that’s if I’d known my own voice, if I knew me and who I was and felt comfortable with that…
Although it takes two or even more in some cases, if id have just said no, if I had just had the strength and courage to say what I felt at times id have saved myself and others much headache and heartache. I remember having a conversation with a friend about someone who we felt was lost in their life, I guess the saying ‘it takes one to know one’ is true because I was completely lost too, I didn’t know it yet!
Id tried so hard to not play victim to my past and the things that had affected me that they were actually effecting me! Id walk around telling people how I wasn’t effected by my past, ‘I’ve had a hard life but I’m ok, I don’t wear the past on my sleeve why cant they’ I would say.
How wrong was I?!
It’s sad to say that I don’t think I ever knew who I was, what I liked doing, what my opinion was on things. I once tried to get a part on a popular reality TV show thinking it would help me feel better about myself (why didn’t anyone stop me?! Lol) I look back at that time in my life and cringe at how lost I was. I also remember I even stopped speaking to a good friend once, out of loyalty for another, even though I deep down I wanted to stay friends with that person and now that friendship is no-more. How pathetic is that?
It wasn’t easy facing this person, my mind was riddled with anxiety and my body full of panic, but I knew there was no other way forward.
I was told that I play the victim by the person I confronted ironically, I disagree with this because I would not have had the courage to speak up had Id been playing victim, I never said that anything had been done to me I just referred to the state of the friendship at hand, I was finally standing up for myself and I have survived so much so far.
I am very far from perfect, I know my tendency to avoid confrontation made me look spineless at times and I look back at those moments with regret but, I can only change the here and now.
I am learning a lot, I’ve made a million mistakes, but I’m also sad for the past.
I want to start to get to know me and who I am….I’ve still got a long way to go but at least now I have an idea of where I want to be now.
I will continue to come back to this post, as I feel like my journey of self discovery still has a long away to go….