Watching a programme on OCD tonight has made me feel really emotional and hit home… Only a few people know why it will, one because my mom has OCD where she has to ritually clean and two because I used to have compulsion that used to make me brush my hair whenever I felt anxious, I didn’t even realise I was doing it, then I became obsessed with how many hairs I’d find in my brush and count them fretting if there was one too many. This carried on for years until I eventually lost my hair which was down to my lupus but before that I was excessively washing and brushing my hair all the time I’m sure it contributed. It’s quite painful to write this to be honest cause I’ve never really been honest about this. I remember going to someone I knew reasonably well but wasnt that close too with a problem, I remember freaking out and telling them how stressed I was they then replied ‘so what are you going to do, brush your hair’ this stunned and made me laugh at the same time because I had no idea that anyone outside the people I was aware of knowing about my compulsion had noticed. That’s when it hit me how much brushing I was doing but didn’t realise it. Those that did used to poke playful fun at me about it but so i used to laugh it off as well not realising the realise and emotional comfort it gave me and I’d become addicted to it.
Watching this show has not only realised how badly it affected me and what it did, but also how far I’ve come. Sadly it manifested into other mental illness but I no longer do this anymore.