This really speaks to me for many reasons, one because when i was unwell in mental illness, because I didn’t know what the problem was for such a long time and I only spoke out at ‘breaking point’ I think for that reason some people never really believed it to be true or understood the extent of the pain I was in, because whenever I used to have minor problems, I was such a drama queen that EVERYBODY would know.
However the real pain of mental illness and speaking about it made it feel more real it, so I avoided it. It actually physically hurt from the inside out to talk about it, so when i eventually did, I was told I was ‘playing victim, that I was on drugs and that i was attention seeking’.
Now as a ‘recovered’ person, I’m very different, more cautious, more quiet and more likely to deal with things alone. I used to make friends with most people very easily, but now I have more acquaintances because I’ve learned that everybody is not your friend.
I go inwards very often and crave time to think, I get overwhelmed easily especially by people who feel its their duty to try and ‘pull me out’ which is extremely annoying, so it makes me withdraw even more.
You wont see me at everything with everybody and I don’t follow many crowds. No not because I think I’m better, no not because I’m lazy, its because its how I’m most comfortable, it keeps my anxiety from turning me into a jelly fish.
Even being a club fills me with so much panic, dread and memories about my old life that I cant bear to go to one, I know people who knew me ‘then’ who know me ‘now’ might find that hard cause I guess I might not as ‘fun’ as i used to be. Fun is just different for me now!
I’m still met by quips about the old me, which can be frustrating because I’m no longer that person anymore, but I’ve found peace in knowing I cant do anything about anyone who is stuck in the past, apart from to continue to move forward.
I’m definitely still healing and I know many people that are too misunderstood by those who just choose to judge, than to really learn about a person, there is much more to what meets the eye.
You shouldn’t have to prove yourself to people, that are committed to misunderstanding who you are.