Above is a picture of myself and my two sisters…
They both came very late into my life but the impact they made on my life will remain forever.
Before my first sister arrived I was an only child, who pretty much did their own thing, it was just me and my mom in our world together, so when she told me she was pregnant I was not happy at all I remember going off for a walk in a huff to be exact!
Allsorts of things came to my mind, what if she doesnt survive the labour i dont want my mom to die?! I dont want another sister i want to keep my mom to myself! I was also a little resentful that I knew my sister would never grow up in the same environments as me. I was jealous of an unborn child! I can laugh now looking back at how pathetic it sounds.
However, the minute she was born the nurse gave her straight to me and we bonded right away, it was someone for me to love and support and guide she was my sister I even named her and I remind her of that all the time! Id always been a bit weirded out by babies and children and they never seemed to like me either! I always said I would never have one of my own. She really helped me soften and become comfortable playing and being around children and best of all she brought the big kid out in me too! I will always be thankful to her for that and children seem to gravitate to me now, maybe their is something in that…
Adjusting to having a sister as she grew up was tricky as she became older, troublesome and opinionated we would clash and id find myself in conflict with a 5 year old at 20! I really can only laugh now as I was adjusting to sharing my world and my mom with another little person.
Roll on to last year 2012 and along came another sister, (the smallest one in the picture) At this point I had mastered the art of ruining my life very well and gone through many changes and had gotten to a really low ebb. My dad had gotten married to his long term partner that I knew well, and in the late of 2011 they announced she was pregnant. Another change I wasn’t happy about, I again became resentful and annoyed, i already had a sister I didnt want another one, every negative possibility came to mind.
I tell you when you are unhappy within, you can make any good situation seem bad and that is exactly what transpired.
Fast forward back to the day my dads wife went into labour, I had received some bad news in the post, my phone rang, I burst into tears crying down the phone it was my dad to tell me that my sister was on the way, that is the only clear thing i remember about that day. The next day i received a message with a picture of my new sister, I blankly looked at her and scoffed she doesnt look like me and carried on my with day.
Despite my dad asking me to visit her for weeks I didnt for monetary reasons and also because I just couldnt bring myself to meet her, I was full of sadness, anger and resentment, the funniest thing was that it was all directed at myself but I had managed to project it onto others.
7 weeks later, I finally met her, at a family members house it was awkward but emotional at the same time I walked in and she looked at me straight in the eye as if to say ‘your late’ my dads wife said to her ‘its your sister’ and i felt really overwhelmed and ashamed at how late i left it to see her and in awe at how little and how beautiful she was. For the rest of the day she never left my arms just quietly laying there staring up at me or sleeping on my lap, that was when my life started to slowly change. It was like her life breathed new life into me, it wasnt a sudden change by any means but from that moment I saw her any time that I could. Her peacefulness gave me a sense of peace and I was totally in love with her.
As i type this today she is nearly a year old and I couldnt love her more, she will never know how much joy and purpose she brought back to my life. Whenever i was feeling down id visit her, look at her playful eyes her smile, her giggle and feel awash with calm recently I had was talking with my dad and his wife about the time she was born and I had a terrible pang of guilt because I’d missed out and because of my terrible attitude at the time due to my own internal issues. Thankfully they never loved or saw me any less for it, in fact they clung to me tighter and understood. I know I am very lucky as not everyone is so forgiving.
Today I have a great relationship with both of my sisters and I realise just why they are here now, they both came at the right time to save me.
I know that I am here to ensure that they love themselves, that they make the right decisions and that it is ok to be imperfect and if they make mistakes that they must learn from them but not define themselves by them. I will be to them what I wish I always had, a big sister to fight for me, hug me when needed, give me advice and be my biggest cheer leader because that is my promise and what I will do for them x