A year ago today was such a weird place for me, everything and I mean was going wrong, I was in a relationship that was going nowhere, battling a employment tribunal and my mental health and general health was going down hill and was on the verge of being thrown out of my apartment. During this time I had two friends come visit me for the weekend, i remember feeling really anxious about this and pre – warning one of them that i wasnt feeling well before hand. When the weekend came i thought I had manage to over come this anxiety, everyone else who had seen me until this point had only seen me in small doses so they hadnt really got the chance to notice any changes in me and the guy i was seeing at the time was more engrossed in himself to notice the time of day.
We spent the weekend going to a festival, it was pretty rainy and moody but it was ok, and at times i felt as though i was really engaged and enjoying myself with my friends. But from the outside looking in, my friends had noticed how distant id become, how preoccupied i was mentally. I remember asking one of them some really bizarre questions over the weekend about life and the meaning of it, I also remember driving and forgetting to shut the door and the car swinging as i went to grab for the doors inside handle to close it. I hadn’t faced up to it yet, but I was just not with them, I was trapped by depression and my anxiety and didnt want them to notice.
At the time i thought i was ok, maybe abit odd but i always thought i was abit odd anyway.
To cut a long-ish story short. They noticed alright, one took it very personally and I never really heard from or saw her again, the other realised their was something very wrong and we had words about it, to which i completely denied anything being wrong in the vain of being ‘positive’ and not wanting to dwell on just how bad my life was. That was until i hit rock bottom and realised it myself.
You cant force anyone to face reality, I had to realise it myself and a year on it throws me to think how different my life is now. Ive still got a long way to go but it is nothing like it was back then.
The main things i learned from this was that, you cannot hide anything from someone who knows you well, that hard times reveal true friends and that you cannot run from your problems because they most certainly will be fast enough to stay and keep up with you.